May I have a word with you? (poem)

May I have a word with you?
I don't know you well
but you seem awfully... well..
I want to be your friend.
I want to be her friend too.
I'm a bit confused.

(Ha - I bet you both read this and think I'm talking about you!)

You tell me you are reluctant
to let her get in our space
that she's the one
you brush your teeth with at the end of the day
and go to bed with
and wake up with

you make it sound so much like drudgery

Why did I ever think you were a good idea?
Was it because you were from somewhere that
seemed
exotic to me? Was it because
you could write so convincingly?
My mum reminded me that apprently
Charles Manson
was quite skilled in the love letters department.

Now I see some similarities.

Then... I saw you. I wondered about you. I wondered about absinthe
too

And when I was making my decision to
not
go back with you to your hotel room
I was thinking
of your beautiful wife and wishing
she were with us.

You were evasive on the subject and
had harsh words with her on the phone. And I knew
something wasn't right
but
I decided to ignore it for the moment.

Making out in the river valley
under the stars
fall leaves cold under your back
she understood, you said
she understood
but I wasn't convinced.

Later in an email she said she tried to veto me
and that made sense.

Somehow it seemed I had this hold over you
but
I
didn't really.
I just have a way with words and a way with ghetto-fabulous
clothing on a budget.

I wrote you poetry
I wrote her love letters.

Honestly, how does it feel
(not that you'll ever read this)
to know that I was much more interested in your wife
than you?

A couple of years later I'm
happily into
a closed relationship with the man
I eventually marry and I
remember her birthday.

I get a letter back
telling me that you'd done some terrible things to her. I
try
to
think

restraining order she said

I try to think

and hindsight is 20/20.

I know I didn't know you for very long
or very well but
I saw it so clearly.

Dude.

You can't treat people like that.
And yes, women
are people too.

*****************

The orange dirt and
reeds in the park were of
little comfort as I
ate my vegetarian sandwich and
thought.

You were off learning to dive
on the motherfucking Great Barrier Reef.
I was poor
picking zucchini
having the worst menstrual cramps of my life
and wishing we had drugs. I don't remember what I was taking.
For the pain.
I think it was the extra strength Neurofen
The stuff wot has the opiates in the analgesic.

Uh huh.

Why were you there? I know why I was there. I know that you accused me of screwing around and giving you a yeast infection and I didn't answer you. I didn't try to deny it.

why
the
fuck

did you not
question that? I wouldn't even meet your gaze.

And why, instead of standing up for myself, why'd I just
stand there
in the shower with you
thinking of another man naked
unable to speak in my own defense?

That part of the trip was stupid. Why did you even come?
I offered you the ultimatum because I
never
in a bazillion years
thought you'd actually show up.

So when it all fell apart and we were face to face fighting and crying and talking in circles
(as opposed to doing it over the phone)
what on earth kept us in that space?

I left you shortly thereafter
for an Australian
I took off my engagement rings. Put them
back in their box.

I might not be able to stand up to you
but I could easily disappear.
I left no forwarding information.

Of course, when I got home
you found me out
and were understandably upset.

Fine.

I wanted to never see you again so
is it so wrong that
I learned so much from you
about who I am
and who I'd rather be?

Is it wrong that when everything went right in your life I
cowered a bit
when I saw you and
tried to hide?

You approached me anyway. Kudos to you.

Your happiness confuses me.
I wish that was how I'd known you.

But
I'm glad you found her
you're much better off with her
and you have a beautiful son.

I have found out that I couldn't promise you
children.

I'm glad you and I never had to figure that one out together.

Thanks for being in touch and
being so positive
and occasionally recommending stuff to me.

You're not a bad person. I never really hated you.
I hated that we didn't get along. Like, at all.
I'm sorry I prolonged it so long
and dragged you all the way to the
other side of the earth
only to
finish it.

************

I dated a man once who
liked to cum on my face
and wear straight jackets in public
so
so
sexy.

***********

You don't know me yet
but you're trying
and I respect that
I think you're
prettier than you give yourself credit for
and
better than you think.

I'm not sure how you came to be in a submissive place
in this world.
You just don't seem like
that kind of person.

Who is telling you
how to behave?
Where and when to go?
And under what authority?

You act with such confidence and a kind of
clumsy grace
it's beautiful and
totally disarming
(honest, I haven't felt this way about a woman in years)

I am going to echo words I think
you might have used recently:
I want to be your friend
but I don't know how to get into
your world.

We come from such incredibly different places
we have different view on words such as
authority
and
abuse
and what differentiates one from another
and what's okay and what's
really not.

You're obviously intelligent
and kind
and pretty
and caring.
What's not to love?

But
subservience?
To whom?
Doctrine?

I'm having trouble getting there.
I don't even
know

that that's what I know about you but I know that
if my husband ever hung up on me
out of frustration
while I was out doing a good deed for a friend
you'd better believe
there'd be hell to pay.
In my world you don't treat someone you love like that.
Ever.
No freaking excuses.

I don't know what the line is
between love
authority
and abuse.

I've clearly failed to see it before
in my own life but

at some point I learned how to say no. I remember it clearly.
I was with my Dad. We were shouting at each other and
he swore and I
swore back and without
calling each other names I said hey
what's really bothering you because all this
negative talk
is really bothering me and I don't like it.

I spent a weekend standing up for myself in
difficult situations
and
afterward
everything started to get
so freaking good that
I've never
ever
ever
looked back.

I'd rather tell someone I love to go eff themselves
than let them walk all over me
or tell me
what I can do or
say
in public
(because trust me, I've said and done much, much worse)

But what freaks me out is that
maybe you're reaching out to
give me some sort of warning like
maybe
this is one mountain I can't topple
and that
freaks me out and makes me want to
wash my hands
of the whole thing

but for the grace of God

honestly.

Straight up,
WTF?

What's up?

Why can't I call you and say this?
Because. I feel passionately about it.

When I feel passionately about anything I usually
express it with
fairly crude language
as all pre 2011 posts on this blog
will attest.

I respect you. I don't want to offend you.
I don't want to say anything
that doesn't come from a place of love.

This is why I'm not identifying you. I'm not naming names. You'll maybe recognize yourself
in this post
poem
if you manage to get past all of the
offensive things I've done.

And that's a short list.

Seriously.

I'm easy to like because it's
difficult to get past the
past
if you're a judging type.

But here's the kicker:
I'm still the same person. I haven't changed.

Yes, I'm married and faithful.
But lemme tell ya, the grownup toybox has toys. And we occasionally use 'em.

I don't party in shopping carts anymore
or try to bring 2 boys or 2 girls
home
at once
anymore.

But let's not confuse that with mellow.
I am still a certifiable
perpetrator of the Bee Es.

And the number one thing I
absolutely cannot stand
is to watch my friends be trampled upon
whether by husbands
churches
doctrine
other friends
or anyone who might apply pressure
or tell y'all to behave
any certain way.

You are a strong
brilliant
talented
thoroughly awesome
amazing
pretty
caring
wonderful young woman.

I want nothing more than for you to shine your light
all over the world.
this great big light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
I'm gonna let it shine
all over the world

It goes against every fiber of my being not to
get you to rat out
everyone who's ever
tried to tell you what to do or
what to be
and
break their motherfucking knees.

When you're my friend
you deserve
DESERVE
respect, love, and kindness.

You deserve to be appreciated
for all of your gifts and talents.

You're amazing.

To paraphrase one of my favourite long quotes,
we don't serve the world
by playing small.

Ever.

Who are you to not be beautiful, talented, wonderful, amazing?

And who the heck is everyone else for not allowing you
fuck that.
Encouraging you to
let your great big light shine?

she's been
everybody else's girl
maybe one day she'll be her own....

I want you to know that I want you
to be
the best person you can possibly be and that
I will support you in doing that.

I'm not talking about being righteous or virtuous or
obeying anything or anyone.

I'm talking 100% about being YOU.

Everyone else can
take it or
leave it.

I'll take it. And love it.
I would love to walk beside you
if you'd let me.

***************

The end.