good morning Postaday.

Good morning Jen.

I can't remember if I've ever lied about my age. I don't think so. I might've gotten it wrong a few times and had to do the math, but I am pretty certain I've never actually lied about it. I'm not sure there would be a point to it. My husband is still convinced that I am 27 (but I think he got the memo about it really being 30) and Dad usually uses my Chinese age (31) but otherwise I think most of my family even doesn't try to confuse me on the subject.

Oh postaday. I don't feel particularly motivated today.

What would I tell myself 10 years ago if I only had 5 minutes? That my world is what I make it - if I want something, I can make it happen. Also, saying no is my friend. Demanding better treatment isn't out of the scope of my existence. That'd be about it.

What part of life confuses me the most? That's easy - religion. I'm quite sure I could believe almost anything but I get a little angry when anyone tries to tell me how to live my life or how to behave. I believe that my relationship with the divine is very personal - it's not a 3-way. I get easily confused by attempts from any religious authorities to control any part of my life, my family's life, or the lives of others, especially children. I don't understand the necessity. If what we are all being taught is real, is true, then all of the coercions wouldn't be necessary to retain us as believers. If anyone can show me a religion that doesn't have some sort of control structure, I'd probably join it. Except for that other thing. Religions confuse me because the ones I've played with don't seem to have the foggiest clue about what's spiritual and what isn't. Spiritual is a subjective perception. There's a scientist who has figured out that it's all in the brain, and maybe he's even figured out where in the brain. But it definitely isn't found in an organizational structure telling me I must donate X% of my income to be worthy or volunteer my time in order to be considered for membership in the Kingdom. If I am able to find something spiritual in either of those, well, it's not impossible. But I have to tell you, if I give from my heart it is much more meaningful to me than if I am giving in a structured way. I don't find spirituality often in reading the scriptures - anyone's scriptures. I do sometimes. But it's rare. I'm much more likely to find divine inspiration and spirituality in nature. I love walking in nature. Biking in nature. Rolling around in nature. Taking pictures of nature. That's where my God lives - in a great big garden. I find communion with plants and animals spiritual. Deeply so. I love digging in the dirt. I think that's the biggest reason why I keep worms for composting in my basement - and start seeds in February - so that I have something in the dirt to look after. I love the weather too - I find spirituality in storms, all kinds of storms. The day my latest religious fling decided to give me a swimming lesson, I went for a walk before it started to rain. The wind was furious and the clouds were massive and roiling. I interpreted this as an obvious approval of my decision to belong to a religion with a name, because my God knows that I love storms. (See how subjective all this is?) I also find deep spirituality and communion with fellow humans in music and dance. I find it easy to get trapped in the circle of music/dance as a spiritual pastime. This is one of the reasons why I went out of my way for my birthday this year to do a trance dance with my mum. Trance dance is phenomenal. You dance in a room of people with a blindfold on for just over an hour. The music is such that it transports your mind and your body somewhere else. Your body moves on a soul level and your mind operates on a soul level. It is absolutely beautiful. At some point in all of this, including my attempts to hold talking circles on the new moon that revolve around natural cycles, someone's going to ask me if I'm a pagan. Maybe. Someone else might accuse me of being a witch. Maybe. My God gave me these cycles and elements. S/he gave me these fantastic spiritual outlets. I have yet to find a religion willing to accept that part of me. But I also know that I can't bend over backwards to authority without spiritual fulfillment. Rules are man made. Authority is ultimately decided by man - we can choose to believe the divine was involved if it makes us feel better, but we can't prove it. But the things we know as spiritual are things that can happen independently of authority, independent of circumstance or beliefs. Without that as a focal grounding point, religion simply loses me. I am baffled by the lack of questioning of the rules. I am baffled by the lack of objective thinking of the membership. And I'm baffled by the lack of encouragement toward personal relationships with the divine. I'll repeat myself before calling it a day: My relationship with the divine is NOT a 3-way. I do not need the confines of religion. They piss me off. In order for this to work, it has to be a give and take relationship. Also, I need for my worthiness to not be judged by men. Or women. Who are we to judge each other if it's common knowledge that Judgment Day exists for that purpose? My worthiness is not determined by how much money I give to the church, how frequently I show up for services, or whether or not I contribute to building the Kingdom on earth. My personal worthiness is an intimate matter between myself and my God.

End of story.