Kesa sized hole in my life

I think I saw you there
on the side of the road
on the side of the
blur
rushing past the car window
blanket over my knees outside leg cold
I think I saw
but it can't be and I know this
how long have I known this now? this time
of the year I miss
you
think about you lots when I think about riding
elephants through the jungle
because that was the same trip I wrote your mum a
letter
a crappy letter
saying sorry I
couldn't come home I
heard the news but
I tried to not step on tiny flowers instead
how can I thank you for your gifts?
how can I thank you for you?
I thought I heard your laughter or saw you in the
back of someone else's head that
night the other
night the black sky outlining your
profile
except it's not you and it won't be you and it can't be
you
ever
how did it come to this? And what the hell is
this?
I don't know.
i don't know anything about shit these days or that's how it
feels when I
think of you
because I want to hold your hand and play in the ravine and do stupid shit with our hair but
I
don't
have anyone to do those things with anymore.